YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Can Purell be used as lube?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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