Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
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Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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