apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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