They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
