apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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