just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
