I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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