You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
