We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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