We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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