I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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