just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
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I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
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He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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