I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
