Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
