If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
