Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize