Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
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