i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
