morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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