Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
