I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I feel great
I just peed on a car
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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