You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
