There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
