I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
