he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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