Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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