She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
