I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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