I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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