I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
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She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
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He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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