Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
