I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Randomize
