Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
