They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
