he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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