Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
My pussy is not your playground.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
