Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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