remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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