My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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