now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
