you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
