You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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