I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
