I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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