did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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