I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we have officially lost it.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
