Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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