there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
