I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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