I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
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