hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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