I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
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he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
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Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
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