This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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