I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
